Drowning in Stars Read online

  I started on my book for just a page before Gaze was standing over me, breathing hard. I handed him a water bottle. He guzzled it quickly without even thanking me. Tocks waved at me as the guys left the park.

  When Gaze still looked desperate, I handed him my other bottle. He slugged that one until it was half-empty and then handed it back to me. “Sorry. Thanks. I was so thirsty I was afraid my eyeballs were going to turn into raisins.”

  I stood up. “That’s okay. It’s going to be ninety-four degrees today with 480% humidity. It’s understandable. I have to get cheese for dinner tonight.”

  He put his hands on his knees and took deep breaths. “Can you do that alone? I have to shower and finish unpacking the kitchen.”

  When he stood up, I walked him to the gate so no one would give him a hard time. When it was clear he knew the way home just fine, I let him go.

  I felt protective of Gaze. I’d seen it before, a new kid that was picked on right away. I wanted to change that pattern. It didn’t have to be that way. People didn’t have to be alone.

  After getting to the CVS, I was freely sweating. It was so blazing hot, but it had been ridiculously hot all summer. I was happy to see they were setting up the back-to-school display. I liked school. I loved the air-conditioning that some of the classrooms had. I grabbed a block of cheddar and walked back up to the register. This new cashier was someone I didn’t know yet. I slid the cheese to him.

  His nametag read Butter. I smiled and welcomed him to the neighborhood. “That’s a heck of a name you’ve got there.”

  He looked confused and then read his tag. “Oh yeah. That’s right. This is the temp tag. It was either this or Marigold.” He shrugged.

  “I think you made the right choice, Butter.” Before I could get his real name, I had to move on because a line was forming.

  His eyes narrowed at me, and then he shook his head just a little, covering his eyes with his long brown bangs.

  On my way out the door, I turned around and gave Butter a wave.

  Chapter 4

  Gaze

  IT WAS GETTING steamy, and I was really disappointed to feel the heat increasing on my way up the stairs. By the time I got my door opened, I realized the summer heat was really going to be a problem.

  I locked my door behind me and went into my room to get some new clothes. I looked over to Pixie’s room and she wasn’t there. Or at least I couldn’t see her if she was.

  I tried the shower, and it took me a few rounds with the handle to get it the right temperature, which was cold. Ice cold. I hopped in and forced myself to stay until my body cooled down. Then the water started warming up on its own. It settled at room temperature and I kept the shower short because it stopped being a luxury.

  I dressed in a tank and basketball shorts. I checked for Pixie again, and still didn’t see her. It was time to get into my job for the day. I had to unpack the kitchen boxes. It didn’t take long to put our stuff away since we didn’t have a huge amount of things. I put the forks and other silverware near the fridge and the plates above the sink.

  Still no Pixie when I was done, so I started on my room. After moving around for a little while, I was sweating again. I felt like I was suffocating in the apartment, so I hit the street. The sun was starting to crawl behind the buildings, but it was just as sizzling outside. At least it didn’t feel as claustrophobic. I was heading back to the basketball court when I saw Pixie coming at me. She had a wide grin and all her hair was tied up under a scarf. Her blue t-shirt and jean shorts blended in with every other kid on the street.

  “You waste a shower?” She pointed at my face and arms that were beaded with sweat.

  “Yes. I totally did.”

  She offered her hand like the teens earlier, so I knew what to do. We did the handshake, but she definitely put a girlish spin on it.

  “How’s your book?” I motioned to the book with the pretty cover under her arm.

  “Bonkers good. I was planning on making mac and cheese, but it’s too hot to turn on the oven.” She used the book to fan her face and then my face.

  “You make dinner?” Dinner was a task that Dad and I sucked at. We were good at fast food and ordering out.

  “Yeah. Someone has to.” She shaded her eyes and peered over my left shoulder. “Tocks’ opening the hydrant. Come on!”

  I turned and trotted next to her as she put down her book. The kids around cheered as Tocks twisted the spray cap from the fire department. He had the octagonal tool so that he and the boys were able to crank it open. And then there was chaos. Eventually, there seemed to be turns that everyone was taking. Some of the big kids pushed toward the front, but everyone got a chance in the spray. A few kids got held in front of the spray just long enough to look panicked, but Tocks ushered them through.

  Pixie’s scarf came loose and her hair curled up in the water. She turned to me again with a huge grin, holding my hands like she wanted to stay connected to keep me safe. I held my breath.

  The mist from the hydrant combined with the angle of the declining sun tossed a rainbow-colored halo above her head. I felt it in my toes. I felt it in a part of my mind that knew my name. Pixie Rae was part of me. I was in love with her.

  She tugged on my hands to pull me into the full spray and I followed. I was twelve. I would have followed her anywhere.

  Chapter 5

  Pixie

  COOLING OFF IN the fire hydrant was really the only way to get relief on a day like today. It was cold. Always ice cold. And the one Tocks picked made a deep puddle that we could splash in as the spray rained down. It was filthy, but it was worth it.

  Gaze and I were sopping wet and our fingers were pruning when we dried off in the sun. We sat on the stoop to his building for a while, enjoying the cool goosebumps smoothing into regular skin.

  “How long have you known Tocks?” Gaze popped a piece of mint gum and held a floppy, wet piece to me, which I took.

  “He lives in my building. Above me two floors. When I was little, he babysat me.” I chewed the gum until I could make it snap.

  For a while Gaze and I had a gum snapping contest. We couldn’t tell who won. Gaze mentioned that he was going to have to take his second shower of the day after playing in the puddle. And then his face fell. I looked to see what had caused the change in his face. There was a man coming toward us. Gaze’s jaw snapped shut and I could tell he was clenching it.

  “Hey. Why don’t you go home?” Gaze stood and I did, too. He spoke the words while looking at the man, so for a minute I thought he was talking to the adult. But then Gaze put his hand on my elbow. “You okay? Can you head home?”

  Then I knew he meant me. Maybe it was the eyes that were the same for both Gaze and the man. But I knew this was his father. The man’s wide smile was accompanied by, “Gaze, son, having fun?”

  His father was drunk. I could smell it. I could hear it in the slight delay in his speech. And now I knew why Gaze wanted me to leave. It was like that sometimes around here. Tapps was right here in the neighborhood, and a lot of people brought their paychecks straight there.

  It was still pretty early to be watching for those types yet, but Gaze’s father’s gait was definitely off balance. I looked over my shoulder to see Gaze turn abruptly away from his dad and storm up the rest of the stairs.

  “Wait, no. It was just a client. A celebration drink. I’m celebrating a big deal. We’re gonna get some great stuff for the new apartment. Gaze? Gaze come back.” Gaze’s father was speaking to no one, because his son was long gone.

  I headed the rest of the way home. I had to figure out something for dinner. Maybe just tabletop mac and cheese so I didn’t have to fire up the oven.

  By the time I got home, all that was left of my mother was her uniform and a Post-it note on the fridge. Hey Pix, got called in to cover a shift. Have a good night. I love you.

  I sighed. There was a ten dollar bill under a magnet on the fridge as well. It was Mom’s way of making up for not spending the
night together. I could skip downstairs and order a Subway meal that included a cookie plus extra money left over and save myself the trouble of making dinner. I still had the cake to share with Gaze, too.

  I needed to get the street grime off of me, so I took a shower with my favorite strawberry conditioner. After I was dressed, I twirled my wet hair up into a bun and fastened it with a ponytail holder. If I kept it wet, it would feel cool this evening. Sometimes summer days felt like they lasted forever. The clock said it was five p.m., so I had plenty of time with daylight in the day.

  I went to my room and focused on Gaze’s bedroom window. He popped up from underneath the sill.

  I didn’t know what to say to him. I knew his issue now. His dad was drunk during a weekday.

  “Are you guys having dinner soon?”

  “Mom had to go back to work.”

  The surprise showed on Gaze’s face as his eyebrows shot up. “She was barely home.”

  I looked down into the alley. I think he was figuring out my issue.

  “My dad’s passed out, so I don’t know what I’ll have.”

  I dug out my ten dollar bill and held it up. “I have extra. You want to get dinner together?”

  He flipped his hair out of his eyes and lit up. “That would be great. Thanks.”

  We met downstairs and then walked three blocks to Pete’s Pizza, the best pizza place in the neighborhood. For well under ten bucks we each got two slices of pizza and shared one soda. After picking out a booth toward the front, we sat with our legs sticking to the orange plastic of the seats. We sat on the same side so we could look out the window. There was only one way to eat pizza from Pete’s. It was blisteringly hot and smelled delicious, so we had to start slow and wrestle with the hot cheese. It stretched like chewing gum. People-watching in the city was a full-time sport. I loved it because I’d create backstories in my imagination for the interesting looking people.

  Gaze pointed out a man covered head to toe in tattoos that turned him into a skeleton.

  “I think I want to get a bunch of those. How old do you think you have to be to get one?” He wiped the pizza grease off his chin.

  “I think it depends if you’re in prison or not. I think they give them out free in the joint. But out here, maybe fifteen? I don’t want one at all. I hate needles.”

  “I can handle needles. I don’t know how you get them in prison. I mean, I think you need a tattoo chair and stuff. I watched the whole show on it.” Gaze crumpled a napkin in his hand and then spread it out, smoothing it with his palms.

  “Anybody with a needle and ink can get a tattoo.” I’d seen it happen with my own eyes.

  “That sounds like a bad idea.” Still, from the way he looked in the distance, I figured he was considering it.

  Gaze stood up. “I have to go check on my dad. Thanks for dinner, though.”

  I didn’t make Gaze tell me what he was checking for. Alive, I was guessing. Making sure his dad wasn’t doing anything he shouldn’t. Adults that were acting like his dad were ones I avoided. Both of our legs made ripping noises as we got up. It sounded like we’d farted at the same time. We ran from the pizza joint laughing.

  When our laughter wound down, Gaze started walking back.

  “We gotta get home before dark. It’s not great here for kids at night.”

  “See ya in the window then,” Gaze offered as he peeled off to go to his building. He waited on the steps to make sure I got in the front door.

  I hated this part. The night. It would descend and I’d be home alone. I couldn’t admit to my mom that it scared me, because she was always going on about how great it was that I was all grown up.

  I flipped the lights on as soon as I got in the door and locked it behind me. The routine I had was to check everything in the house. I grabbed my bat. Every closet and the shower got a check. And under the beds. I turned on all the lights, too. I wouldn’t leave them all on at night, but just while I did the checking.

  But tonight, after my routine, I went into my room to see a ball flying up and down in front of Gaze’s window.

  I grabbed my bubble gun and loaded some fresh bubble juice and shot it in his direction. It took a while for me to get the bubbles to go in the right way, but they did. Gaze popped his head in the window, smile already in place.

  Our windows were close enough that we could talk normally. The stagnant air carried our voices well.

  “How’s your dad?”

  Gaze shrugged and didn’t answer, so I dropped the topic. “You good at throwing that ball?”

  It looked like a Nerf basketball. I held up my hands.

  His eyes sparkled before he lobbed it over to me. It was thrilling to see it cruise right over the alley. I snatched it out of the air and squeezed the soft foam.

  I put my elbows on my windowsill and took a deep breath. Gaze seemed like he believed my toss would make it, so I took the chance. He had to lean forward a little to catch it, but he did.

  That night we tossed the ball back-and-forth for over an hour. Not alone. I was not alone. I even pitched a slice of cake to him. Some crumbs fell below, but he was able to eat a nice sized slice. Then we started in with the ball again.

  When our arms were tired, we both stared at each other across the window.

  “Hey, I’m here. All night. You say my name and I’ll wake up.”

  I nodded. He got me. He knew it wasn’t easy to be here by myself.

  When I finally went to bed, I left my window open. I’d do this normally anyway because it was high up and it gave me some air. But tonight the open window was a reminder that I had a person out there. Close.

  Chapter 6

  Gaze

  I CHECKED ON Dad a few more times. He was full of apologies. And whiskey. It was brutal when he slipped like this. As long as I’d been alive there had been ups and downs. But I always believed in the hope when he wasn’t drinking. The bar across the street had been an omen. I knew it would be a problem, I just thought he would hold out for far longer.

  The apologies were chock-full of promises. That the drink was just the one time. But it was more than one drink. I knew it was. Dad never had just one drink. So I made sure he was lying on his side. Because waking up to him gagging on his own vomit was a terrifying way to open your eyes.

  When he wasn’t drinking, he was strict with me. But when he was drinking, I was an afterthought. Sometimes all I was to him was a way to get beer out of the fridge.

  But tonight I had Pixie to toss the ball with. And I got to feel important because I told her she wasn’t by herself. It was something I was good at. Maybe all kids of alcoholics were good at picking up on other people’s body language. Watching out. Always.

  She made me feel safer, too. Here in this new place where she seemed to know everything and everyone. I was lucky to be near her.

  In the morning, Dad was still in bed. He hadn’t vomited, so I had nothing to clean. I hoped he got up to use the bathroom. I changed my clothes and was out of the apartment early enough to see the garbage truck go by, clanging and slamming. It would take some getting used to this city living.

  Pixie’s window seemed quiet, and I wasn’t sure if she was sleeping in a bit. I didn’t launch a Nerf bullet into her room or anything.

  I wanted to try my luck at getting into another basketball game with the big guys again, but I wasn’t sure how nice they would be to me without Pixie.

  I got past the gate and it was quiet still. Too early for anyone other than a few guys who seemed like they were in the same shape as my dad lying on the benches scattered around the playground. Without my basketball, I wouldn’t get very far on the court. I started swinging on the empty swing, but the squeak and the whine of the chains earned me a few curses from one ornery guy. I put my feet down and skidded to a dusty stop.

  I wandered out of the playground gate and walked to the alley between Pixie’s and my window. There were some leftover scraps of someone’s construction project. Most of it was in bad shape,
but under a moldy piece of drywall, I found a nice wide plank of wood. I eyeballed the space between the buildings. It might fit.

  I dragged and pulled the wood all the way up to my apartment. It was tricky and I pissed off a few old ladies trying to walk down the stairs. But I eventually got it in my room and flopped it out my window. There was a detail under my window of a concrete ridge. Pixie’s had the same thing.

  I was pretty sure if I dropped the plank I would kill someone, but no one was underneath me. I got it propped and then, if I was right, it would slam down on Pixie’s side. Then she and I could maybe roll the ball back-and-forth to play.

  Pixie walked into her room just as the plank slammed down. She ran to the window and peered down.

  “Oh!”

  It was cool. Like a plank on a pirate ship. It was pretty wide, too. I could probably stand one foot next to the other if I wanted to. I didn’t, but I bet I could.

  I found the ball on the floor and gave it a toss, hitting the plank on the descent and bouncing up and right into Pixie’s window. I watched her eyes flash as she dropped something to catch the ball.

  Then she returned the ball the same way. We went back-and-forth without talking for about twenty tosses before the ball bounced weird and rocketed the rest of the way below. Right then we decided whoever threw the funky toss would have to get the ball, so I did the honors.

  It took me a while to get all the way down the stairs, find the ball, wave at Pixie from the ground, and then go all the way back to my room. We played the game for about forty-five minutes, with each of us taking a few trips to the alley below to grab the ball. I kept the ball after the last throw. We chatted after that, hanging out the windows, about the pudgy pigeon that seemed like a jerk but hung out close to our windows. He even walked on the plank a bit.