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  I spent hours in front of two different computers. I hadn’t checked the surveillance cameras in a long time. I knew Nix always had one eye on them, so I wasn’t worried, but reviewed them anyway.

  That’s when I saw her. Albany holding Animal’s hand like he had put a diamond ring on one of her fingers on the way into the house.

  She looked right into the camera and gave a sarcastic wave.

  She knew I would see it. I searched the rest of the footage until it was live. She was still in the house.

  I went calmly to the closest gun and loaded it. I checked the chamber and released the safety.

  I crouched down on the balls of my feet while I tried my best to talk myself out of going up there and shooting her.

  Waves of pain hit me until I finally sat flat on the floor.

  She’d gotten what she wanted: Animal in bed. I picked myself up and unloaded the gun.

  Love was pain where I was from. And I was in so much love I wanted to die.

  Chapter 33

  Animal

  Albany didn’t know about my rule. Girls didn’t get to wake up in my room. I reminded her.

  Usually, I took pleasure from giving pleasure. I thought of it as a master’s class in their own sexuality. That I was setting the bar for how much they should reach for their own orgasms.

  But this was different. It was more of a hate fuck. I didn’t feel good about it. It wouldn’t happen again.

  Albany was holding her high heels and her new phone. I’d called her an Uber and her hair was a wreck.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw T pad into the kitchen in her pajamas, not turning on the lights.

  Shit.

  I didn’t want her to know about this. I knew we weren’t together, but I didn’t want to hurt her either.

  I showed Albany the door. She tried to kiss me. I turned my head so that she got my cheek instead.

  I didn’t kiss. Not when I was doing this. Not when it was a festival of sin in my room. When I closed the front door, I took off running because I knew T would bolt. I cut her off in the hallway, stretching my arms open so she couldn’t go past me.

  T spun on her bare heels to avoid running into my chest. “Dammit.”

  “Whatcha doin’ up, princess?”

  She wasn’t the kind to back down, so she faced me and folded her arms in front of her chest. She had soft pj pants and a tank top on. Her hair was swung over one eye.

  “Don’t call me that.” She pursed her lips and wrinkled her nose.

  “I call you that all the time.” I dropped my arms, point made-- we were having this conversation.

  “Not when you smell like her.” She didn’t look in my eyes, but leveled her stare at my mouth.

  Not ten minutes earlier Albany had been sitting on it while she sucked my dick. I took a step backwards.

  I probably did smell like sex.

  I heard T professing her love for me in my mind all over again. “I’m sorry.”

  The bravado was dropped. The chip was off my shoulder. My walls down. Young Animal was talking to young T all over again.

  Her hard demeanor softened. “I know you are.”

  I grasped at straws. “How about I set you up on a date? I know a couple of great guys.”

  She blinked three times in a row, offended. “I don’t need dates. I turn them down all the time.”

  My intentions were coming out all wrong. “I just want to see you happy.”

  After massaging her temples, she addressed the elephant in the room. “This is as happy as I get.”

  She laid it down between us. She loved once. And I was that once. So she only allowed herself to feel what I gave her. Which was friendship. God, more than friendship. Family.

  My T.

  “You’re better than what I do to the women up there. You’re 110% better than that.” I pointed in the direction of my bedroom.

  After snorting, she rolled her eyes. “You’ll never get it. Your dick could fall off.”T advanced on me, pointing at my crotch. “I don’t feel the way I do because of this.” She flicked me on my bare chest, right above my heart. “It’s for this.” She looked up at me then. Young in the dim light thrown from the kitchen. “Can I go?”

  “Of course.” I pressed against the wall and let her by. I watched her walk down the hall and then up the stairs, two at a time.

  I was another person for her. She told me a long time ago that her mom wasn’t strong enough to be her mother, but that T was strong enough to be her daughter.

  That’s how she saw me—I was betting. She was strong enough to love a man who tore her heart open on the regular because she knew none of these other women were staying. But she always would.

  I looked at my feet.

  I heard a low hiss.

  “Bones. What are you doing up now?” My brother was shadowed in an alcove behind me.

  “Getting my lady a drink ’cause I dehydrated her.” He stepped closer. “Wow, Albany’s got a calling card.” He waved his hand by his face.

  “I didn’t realize the whole damn family would be down here cooking Thanksgiving dinner at four in the damn morning.” I followed Nix into the kitchen and sat at the island on a stool that creaked.

  Nix filled up four glasses with ice and water from the fridge dispenser. He put two in front of me.

  “One for you. One for her.” He motioned in the direction of T’s room with his chin.

  I took mine and drank deeply, draining the whole thing.

  “She doesn’t want me up there now. I hurt her. Deep.” I hadn’t told Nix about the feelings that T had caught.

  “She’s something else.” He wasn’t interested in passing judgment. I knew he respected T as a professional. Trusted her. It wasn’t something he did lightly.

  “She’s T.” Stating the obvious.

  “Yeah. You got stuff you’re avoiding. You know it, and I know it. She’s not just an employee.” Nix drank.

  “I never said that.” I ran a finger down the condensation on the empty glass.

  We looked at each other and silence came over us. I knew what he was trying to broach. It wasn’t something I was interested in dealing with right now. I wasn’t horny for Albany anymore, and I was grateful for that. I’d had the fruit she’d dangled. It was an empty feeling now, and I liked to be alone. Even as much as I loved Nix, there was a bit of a process I needed to go through after I was done with the ladies.

  “I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life. It’s not something I do. But that girl?” Nix pointed with his skeleton tatted finger toward T’s room. “She’s a game changer.”

  I watched hesitation cross his face. “Sweetness, say it. Tell me what you just thought. I can take it.”

  Nix clenched and unclenched his fist before responding. It was distinctly a battle for him. I wasn’t sure if I was winning or losing with his next statement.

  “If you aren’t going to bring her in, then you should let her go.”

  I wasn’t expecting that. My man—he’d light the whole world on fire for me—Nix was telling me I was doing T wrong.

  I looked at my feet and let it sink in.

  “Hey, I’m not trying to bring you down. I’m just saying I know how to watch. I’ve done it before. With Becca I watched. But at least I had the distance and a screen protecting me. I didn’t have to be judged on the daily and found wanting. You know? T’s here all the time and has to see what you’re doing. She’s got deep feelings for you. She’s a stronger man than me.”

  He tossed me the joke at the end. To try to wash the salt from the wound.

  He was right. Goddamn it all if Nix wasn’t right. Keeping her here was selfish. Damn near torturous.

  After pushing the water toward me, he advised, “Maybe wash your face and go take her this. Talk to her. You both deserve it.”

  I twisted the glass in my hand. “Okay, I will.”

  Nix touched Becca’s water glass to the one he’d poured for T and walked past me to go back to his l
ady.

  I did as he recommended and spent some time at the kitchen sink cleaning up, then I took the glass to T’s room. The door appeared to be closed so I rapped on it. It swung open from the force. The window was open, but that wasn’t unusual. T was gone, though. I walked into her room and set the glass down on the side table. Her bathroom was neat and empty.

  It was this way with us. She needed space to think. To breathe.

  I missed her. I wasn’t sure what the hell I was going to do. If I could let her go again…

  Chapter 34

  T

  I knew he didn’t really want to hurt me. Not really. But it did. Maybe he had to punish me for loving him like I did. I didn’t have Albany’s tricks. She could attract a whole room. I never developed the talent that some girls had. The way they could rope in men like a fishermen’s bounty with dynamite.

  This was the outcome for loving like I did. There was no plan B. I’d bury myself in the disappointment and power through. I knew how to do it.

  I walked down the path in the backyard late at night. I took this walk when I needed to be away from walls. From people.

  I heard the twig snap behind me and I stepped quietly behind a tree. I had my blade with me and my focus narrowed to a point.

  Instant defense. Automatic offense if it was required.

  I took a peek. It was Ember. She looked spooked, but she still kept walking down the path I had taken. She was following me.

  “T?” she whisper-yelled.

  I stepped out. “Here.”

  Ember jumped a foot in the air and put her hand on her chest. “Fester shit!”

  I started laughing because it was the last curse I ever imagined coming out of her mouth.

  She started laughing with me, possibly from the jump scare.

  “You were following me, and you’re scared?” I watched as she made sure that it was really me in the dark.

  “You were creeping out in the middle of the night. I wanted to see what was going down.” Ember looked over her shoulder.

  “Why are you up now? You should be in bed.” I moved my hair behind my ear. I liked Ember. She had a fire about her. And she seemed a little lost. Reminded me of me.

  “I couldn’t sleep. I saw that Animal brought just one lady home and I was curious.”

  I was, too. Albany had stirred something in him that allowed him to be alone with her. It terrified me.

  Because I could handle him being a ladies’ man. None of them threatened my place in his life, though I hated the intimacy I didn’t have with him. But one girl? That could be an issue. I didn’t know how I could make that okay in my head.

  And Albany of all people. It was a slap in the face and in the heart at the same time. I could rail at the way it was, but I knew the day I watched him walk into prom with two girls, and continued being devoted, I was in for it.

  So in for it.

  Ember was no fan as well. “I mean, usually he’s got a herd of them with him. Like, what goes on up there? Does he pack them all on at once like a giant slut kabob?” She made elaborate hand motions.

  I felt my jaw drop. “Slut kabob?”

  “Yeah. Well, that’s what I call them in my head.” She shrugged.

  “I like you, Ember.” I rocked on my heels.

  “So, where are you going?” She looked past me as if there was something waiting for me down the end of the path.

  “Just getting out of there. Clearing my head.” I put my hands in my hoodie pockets.

  “Oh, okay, let me let you have at it then.” Ember looked disappointed.

  I considered her for a few seconds. She was trapped in this humongous place with people not really in her age group. Animal was busy trying to get her back home, and I understood that. It was to keep her safe. But still, I knew what it was like to feel like I didn’t have a place that wanted me.

  “You wanna come?” I pointed over my shoulder.

  “Sure!” Her eagerness made me glad I asked.

  We walked in silence for a short time before she started in with questions. “So, I know Nix thinks you’re pretty kick-ass. Do you want to do this forever? Like be here with the guys?”

  Ember was keeping up pretty well.

  I answered, “I don’t know. I don’t think of forever much. Tomorrow, yes. Next year, sometimes. But forever isn’t something I’m too sure I’ll see.” I held a long branch so it wouldn’t slap her in the face.

  “I feel like I think of forever a lot. I wish I knew what will happen.” She took the branch from me and continued to follow.

  “What are you trying for?” I was curious about her. I knew Ember was still taking college classes, but she was at odds with her aunt who had raised her.

  “Well, I think my plan of getting Animal to fall madly in love with me has failed. I don’t know. I feel like I just want to get to know Nix. But he’s got his new relationship so I don’t want to interrupt. I think I want to go into communications. Maybe be a newscaster or a model or something.” Ember slowed her pace. “I really like taking pictures, and people say I’m pretty good at it.”

  “That sounds like a ton of different opportunities to be amazing in the future. Maybe just figure out how to get that degree,” I offered. It seemed like good advice.

  “Yeah. I just feel unsettled. Like I’m missing something.” She trotted to keep up. “So I know you’re a badass, but how’d you get that way?”

  “Like, with fighting and stuff?” I was trying to figure out how much I should tell her. I mean, she’s nineteen, a full-grown adult.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, I grew up homeless, pretty much. And I had to figure out how to fend for myself. After being on my own, I wanted to feel safe, so I made sure that I did. I took self-defense classes at first—because they were free—then I sort of sought out new experiences that would add to my bag of tricks.”

  That was a seriously glossed over summary. I left out all the freezing nights. The dangerous situations. How incredibly lonely it felt to stay true to my mother the only way I knew how.

  Ember hauntingly resembled the two old, fuzzy pictures Nix had framed in his house of his mom. Pictures didn’t capture vivaciousness. I wondered if that had been the same for his mom like it was in Ember.

  She would be like Albany someday. Able to bat her eyes and have the men run to her. I hoped she found her soul mate before that happened, because it had to be confusing to come into your own with that much power over the opposite sex.

  “You’ve fought for everything you have, huh?” Ember saw through to the parts I’d edited out.

  I changed the topic. I never liked talking that much in general, and certainly not about my past. “What about you? How’s life with Dorothy?”

  “It wasn’t hard like it was for Nix. I mean, he felt like he needed to hide his face from the whole world and himself. But it wasn’t easy. Dorothy wants a lot of stuff she doesn’t have. I think she lived to show me off as a daughter and then write me off after the doors closed behind us. She wasn’t my mom.” Ember grew quiet.

  We were as far as I intended to get, so we turned around to head back. “What’s Dorothy doing now that you’re here?”

  Ember sighed. “She’s pissed. She wants me back at the house. And I feel like that’s part of my responsibility, but it’s way, way cooler here. I mean, this house. The vibe of it. It’s really great.”

  I was sure there were worse influences out there in the world, but a house with a gun range and full-scale surveillance was not a Disney playhouse either.

  “You got to do what makes you happy. I think anyway.” That was the best I could offer, if that was even what she was asking for.

  “Yeah, I’m trying that. My aunt has said some real strange things lately. Almost like she wants me to get married or something?” Ember followed me back onto Nix’s property. The lights were on and Nix was standing on the back porch.

  I waved and the man nodded in my direction.

  Ember gave me a confused look. �
��What the hell?”

  “He’s got cameras everywhere. And most likely tracks your phone.”

  “So, he’d be okay if I went out for a walk in the middle of the night?”

  “Well, technically, it’s morning and I think he was watching me as well. He knew you were with me and that I’d keep a lookout.” It was the truth. I figured he’d known.

  Nix basically raised himself to be a stalker; he probably did it without even thinking about it.

  We walked in the back door, because the sneak part had been completely eliminated. Nix met us on the back steps.

  “Hey.”

  I waved to him and moved past. His conversation with Ember was sweet. He spoke to her in a very respectful way, asking her to let him know if she was heading out—no matter what time.

  Soon they were out of earshot. I wished I’d had a brother like Nix. He was supportive and understanding, but still protective.

  I wondered if letting Ember have a relationship with Nix was actually the right move. Especially if her aunt was starting to act all medieval about weddings. I’d have to mention it to Becca. I knew she’d complained a few times about the pressure her mother used to put on her about getting married before she’d added her skull tattoo to her face.

  I wished my walk had settled the restlessness in my heart. I avoided Animal when I saw he was in the living room and went to my room alone.

  Chapter 35

  Animal

  Nix told me when the girls got back from their walk, and I left the living room when I realized T had deliberately avoided me. After that, I stayed in my room, cleaning it. T’s eyes pierced me when she saw through me. It was a burden I didn’t deserve, knowing that she loved me.

  I stripped the sheets off my bed and replaced them with fresh linens. The whole scene with Albany didn’t sit right. I shouldn’t have succumbed to her. I’d listened to my base instinct.

  When my room was straight, I sat on the bed and ran my hand over it. I wanted T here. I was lying to myself thinking otherwise, and I hated when I was a punk like that.

  I wasn’t ready to be that intimate. Sex was one thing. But to bring T here—she would be forever. How could I still be everything Nix needed if I had a partner who was…well T? She deserved to have the white picket fence. A normal Friday night with a bottle of wine and Netflix.